The past week has been a hard one for me. On Friday, I had to have laparoscopic surgery for the second time, and have been “down for the count” for almost a week. You don’t realize how much you use your stomach muscles until you can’t use them anymore! Anyone who knows me well is aware that I don’t take orders to “rest and relax” easily. If it weren’t for doctor’s strict orders, I probably wouldn’t be doing so now. For some reason, I have to be literally FORCED to rest. I don’t know what it is about my personality that struggles with this so much. Maybe it’s because I’m a workaholic. Maybe I’m a people-pleaser. Maybe I’m an overachiever. In many ways, my work ethic has been a strength, because if someone gives me a job, they can rest assured that it will get done. If Jonathan and I have a dream, nothing can stop me/us from finding a way to make it happen. In many ways, this trait has been something that has gotten me ahead in life. However, the Lord’s been teaching me lately that sometimes the timing and work is simply out of my control.
Jonathan and I have been in a “holding pattern” for several months now. We’re looking at possibly making some big changes in our lives and we’ve been praying and hoping for some kind of clarity. We’ve prayed for some kind of direction, and God has just been really silent. Normally, I want to just get a game plan and go. Make it happen. This hasn’t been possible for the past few months due to many different things that have just forced us stay put and be quiet for awhile. We’ve been thinking a lot about Psalm 23 lately….relying on it…holding onto it….and a part has hit me us so strongly. “He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul”.
God has literally shut me down for awhile. He has FORCED me to rest…mentally and physically. For someone who is constantly looking ahead and on the move, this was very frustrating at first. To be honest, it still is sometimes. It’s frustrating to feel like your hands are tied. To just be…well….waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Waiting on him to move. I’ve been listening to FFH’s “Lord Move or Move Me” today.
Lord move in a way that I’ve never seen before
‘Cause there’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move, or move me
I’ve looked everywhere to find a simple peace of mind
But I can’t find nothin’ on my own
So I gotta leave myself be hind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold on to
Lord, I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need you to help me do this
The thing is…no matter how hard I work, or how much I “do”…most things are just out of my control. God is going to move (or move me) when he wants to and when it’s best for me. All I can do is decide how I respond in the waiting. It’s hard to be in a place where you feel like God is just silent and like your life is on “pause.” But in this time of forced rest, I have to remember that everything has a reason. This is a season, and He is in this time as much as He is in a season of prosperity, success and change. He CREATED this season in my life. I’ve remembered that He is making me lie down right now! He is making me lie down in green pastures. He is leading me beside QUIET waters. And most importantly, he is restoring my soul.
I’m still not good at waiting, but I’m learning to find some comfort in this time. Sometimes God has to do something big to slow you down. For me, it was surgery (among other things). But for now, I’m going to lie on this couch with my sweet puppy while I heal…and I’m going to let him restore my body and my soul.
Yours,
Allison
